im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
