You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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