He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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