Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
