there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Randomize
