And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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