Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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