you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
