My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
