I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Enjoy the penises
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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