I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
