Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Two words: blizzard sex
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
