Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
