he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
