I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
