she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
