I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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