based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
