My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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