im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
i believe in u and ur pee
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
