If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize