I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
