He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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