i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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