M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
