I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
