Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
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