You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
