In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
