Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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