So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
