I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
