The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
