My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
