i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
