I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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