im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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