If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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