Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
