I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
