I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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