remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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