mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
