No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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