my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
