she takes plan B like it's going out of style
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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