having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
