wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
