I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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