Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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