i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
