Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
