she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
