hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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