the new term for farting is butt boxing.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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