After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
