I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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