i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
