I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
